“Being submissive to mother is a key to be succeed”

“Studying in the school is important. However, being submissive to your mother is the most important thing,” my grandmother always reminds me when I come home to my hometown, Surabaya. Eyang - I love to call her with that name - was born on August 30^th, 1943 when it was Japan’s occupation of Indonesia. Her name, like others who lived at that time, is only one word: Tusilah. She has a unique habit; she always reminds me by telling about her childhood. She likes to compare about teenager’s life at that time and at the present. Eyang says that to be a successful person is very easy, you only have to be submissive to your mother. It is proven; Eyang was only graduated in junior high school but she can have job in Taxation Office and even she could go to Hajj to Makkah. It reminds me about a quote, “A heaven is under your mother’s feet”.

Eyang was born on a precarious life, during a war between Japan’s occupation of Indonesia. It was the age when women is being minority in the society. Her parents are one of Indonesian fighters. Life was so hard at that time; she rarely met her parents at home because they had to defend their residence. She has four brothers and she is the only daughter in her family; she is the second of five brothers. However, she seemed to be a first kid because her oldest brother was very indifferent to his all younger brothers. She also seemed to be their parents at home because their parents were rarely going home.

“You have to always do whatever your parents’ directive. All of your parents’ words is a pray to you. So, make your parents always praying good things to yourself,” it was one of Eyang’s mother words that always remembered. Although her parents rarely went home, but her mother often instructed her that she had to be independent girl.

Her parents seldom apologized to their children that they could not defray them to study in the school because of a poor economy condition. Eyang’s all brothers could understand it, but they prefer to play all time without studying. They did not want to earn money to fund studying in the school by themselves. Even, the youngest brother - named Soewardi - thought that working is not children responsibilities. Yes, of course he thought children had to only play and study. Different with her all brothers, Eyang chose funding herself to study in the school. She wanted to be a teacher someday, a Mathematics teacher. That was why she did not objection to work while studying at school.

Her mother had ever instructed Eyang that she had to love her all brothers. For your information, Eyang is the most children whom her mother loved, because Eyang is the most obedient kid. Her mother often gave message to her about something morally. She wanted her only one daughter could be a great young woman someday.

Unfortunately, Eyang’s parents seldom taught their children about religion. They were Moslem, but their kids did not know deeply about Moslem because they rarely went home. Eyang often had a wish about future, but she confused to whom that she had to pray.

Difficult period

National economy at that time was very hard for lower class of society. Eyang’s parents were a farmer. Farm was being monopoly by Japanese colonist, so farmer could not get proper income from their job. Included Eyang’s parents, they were very poor family because of low economy. Most Indonesian experience the same condition. There were slum area everywhere. Houses were very cramped; the wall was made of gedheg - seems like rattan collection which organized neatly - and the roof was made of dry straws. Included Eyang’s house, it would be leak when rain had been coming. Life was so misery at that time. People were forced to be hard worker if they wanted to survive although they were still getting lowest income.

Although after the Independence Day of Indonesia in 1945, national economy had not been become better yet. Some people still was in poor economy condition. Eyang had an intention to help her parents; while she was an elementary student, she had to work. Actually, it was not an intention, but Eyang really wanted to help her family’s economy condition. She was also one of young talented student in her school; she masterly Mathematics and all about Arithmatics. On the other side, Eyang was the only one of her parents’ kids who wanted studying in the school. All of her brothers - except the oldest brother - did not want to study at school because they thought that studying is very boring, so they prefered to choose playing with their friends all day. Moreover, they thought that their family’s economy condition was very poor; so it was better for them not to choose studying in the school. Certainly, it was a superficial tinking.

She was a servant - especially washing clothes - since she had entered the last grade of elementary school until the last grade of junior high school. She went to her boss’ house every evening after she had gone to school. It was her activity all day long and she almost did not have a kid time - like playing with her friends - and even she only had little time to study at home. In the night, after she had gone from her work, she usually cleaned the house. Her oldest brother - named Soewandi - usually helped her. Soewandi was five years older than Eyang.

Soewandi was a wise oldest brother although he was little bit lazy. He often helped Eyang cleaning the house and all home furnishings. Sometimes, he had ever been angry to all his younger brothers if they did not want to help cleaning the house. For your information, Soewandi also had ever joined studying in the school altough it was only until three first years of elementary school. However, because of poor economy condition, he had been stopped.

Washing at least twenty clothes were Eyang’s duty everyday meanwhile her energy was so weak. She often tumbled down when she was working because she rarely had not having a breakfast. Eyang had to be lucky girl, yes, she had a very gracious boss. Her boss, sometimes, gave her a lunch although only a piece of little boiled fish, but only if she was lucky. The greatest thing that I can learn from her is when she got a piece of little fish, it had to be her lunch, but instead she gave it to her youngest brother.

I can imagine how she loves her brothers. Usually, she only ate the head of that piece of little fish while saying, “You had to eat a head of a piece of fish if you want to be a head of an employee someday.” Again, it works! She was a manager of financial in her office when she was about twenty years old.

She worked as a servant not only to fund her school fees, but also to help her parents’ economy condition although what she had gotten was not high payment from her boss. Eyang felt so happy because she could help her mother to buy a rice, and sometimes she also bought vegetables with her savings but not too frequently. One of the greatest moment which I loved is when the family was eating together with only a plate of rice without any side dishes. You can imagine how a family which contained of seven persons are eating only a plate of rice, it should not be replete, even it should make much hungry. Something that I can learn from Eyang’s family is although their economy condition was so poor, but they had never been grumbled or even depressed.

No religion kids

Ever imagine that a kid had learned five different religions? Yes, when she was about four to ten years old, Eyang had learned more than a religion whereas her father and mother are Moslem. One of her friends had ever asked her, “So actually, are you Moslem?” She asked it because Eyang looked never had a Moslem pray - Sholat - in her school. She had ever answered sincerely, “My parents are Moslem. They had ever said that me too. However, actually, I do not know anymore about Moslem. So, should I answer your question whereas I do not know Moslem?”

It had to be logical because her parents rarely met their children and also almost never taught their children about religion. Indeed, Eyang had ever learned about Moslem - as her parents’ religion - and she always tried to understand about other religions although she did not know which religions should be chosen. She went to some places of worship in Surabaya and tried to know how a religion has to pray to their God.

The most visited place was of course mosque because in her elementary school she was being considered as a Moslem and always went to mosque without joining the pray - she did not know how should Moslem had a pray. She had ever being excommunicated because she looked like an Atheist - someone who does not believe in a religion anymore. Of course, she often cried because actually she wanted to have a religion, but unfortunately she did not know anything about religion, and also she had to learn herself.

Few of her friends often enticed her to go to mosque in the school and preached her about Moslem gradually; they never forced her to believe Moslem directly. Sometimes, she had invited to a little forum which talked about Moslem with others; some of her friends also had ever taught her reading Quran. She often asked about something which she did not understand yet. Finally, she had known about Moslem slowly.

Eyang also had ever gone to church; she was invited by her Christian friends when she went home after school. Her friends invited her to church to attend their sister’s wedding reception. Firstly, she was very hesitate; yes, her parents are Moslem although she did not know anything about Moslem. As she had known, Moslem is being forbidden to enter church. However, she was very curious about Christian. Eyang wanted to know how are the other religion aside from Moslem. Because she did not understand anything about church and the religion, so she just kept silent and saw what was happened in that church. However, actually she stealthy tried to learn about how the way Christian have a pray. Yes, actually she was curious.

Much things that Eyang had gotten from church. One of that things is how a Christian couple married. A significant different thing is after a couple have said a promise that they will be loved together forever, that couple will be kissing each other in front of the audience. In Moslem, after saying that promise, a bride is only have to kiss her husband’s back hand. All marriages relationship in Moslem is only done in private condition, included kissing. That was a significant different thing which made Eyang very astonished.

Another thing that made her being astonished was when pilgrims in that church had a pray. Again, there was something new different thing that she got. In Moslem, praying is done with calm situation. It is devoted condition. However, pilgrims in that church were singing louder when they had a pray. Of course she was amazed because it was a new thing which she known. She had ever asked to her Christian friend about it; her friend answered very simple: it is the way Christian to have a pray, like Moslem does. Different religion, different way.

In Bali, there was Eyang’s family that was her mother’s youngest sister. They were Hindu. She had ever wanted to know how temple is. Her aunt brought her to the temple and accidentally there was a Hindu pray. Eyang was also invited to join praying with the pilgrims. Again, she obeyed and joined the pray. The different thing which she got was when Hindu has a pray, they need quiet situation, very quiet. The way they have a pray is almost same as Moslem, sometimes they just keep silent and have a pray in their heart while closing their eyes. Because Eyang did not know what should she does, she followed others to keep silent and closing her eyes. Usually, she whispered and asked her aunt what did the pilgrims do if she was curious to something new that she looked. She was very happy if she got new knowledge about religion.

Wherever place she had visited, she always found new different thing about religion. She was not infrequently tried to make her own inference that every religion has their own way to pray to God. However, she concluded that although there are many different ways to pray, all religions have to believe in a God, the one and only.

Welcoming adult

Because of poor economy condition, she could not enter senior high school because the cost was very high-priced. Moreover, her father was died when she was a second grade of junior high school because of a mistery disease which couldn’t explained. So, she prefered to stop her study and continued working as a servant. All her friends was regreting her decision, they thought that Eyang had to continue to senior high school because she was genius student. However, one of her friends - Susi - suggested her to try had a work test in Taxation Office.

To join a work test, Eyang had to have graduation diploma of senior high school. Firstly, Eyang was very pessimist because she did not have it, yes, she had been stopped in junior high school. Susi then suggested Eyang to join a test to get an equalization of senior high school - as known as “Ujian Penyetaraan SMA” in Indonesia. If Eyang could graduate from that test, she would get graduation diploma as an equalization of senior high school. So Eyang tried to join that test and luckily she got higher score and she could get that graduation diploma.

After she had gotten certificate, she tried to join the test in Taxation Office. Remember, she was only graduated from junior high school. Fortunately, she was accepted and could work in that office as a staff of financial department. She was very happy because she thought that she could help her mother much better.

Twenty one years old and working in Taxation Office, could it be a lucky girl? Eyang then met a man who was a manager in the private office next to Taxation Office building, adult man. That man - named Pudjiyanto - was about fourty five years old and it was a long range with Eyang’s age. She met him one morning, in the middle 1964; it was a minor collision in front of the office door and the papers were scattered everywhere - seemed like in the teenagers movie. Then Pudjiyanto introduced himself and asked Eyang’s name. Since that “romantic” collusion, they often met each other.

Who knows? In the last 1964, Pudjiyanto wooed Eyang! “Would you be my bride, Tusilah?” Eyang really remember that sentence. They married in very simple wedding reception. Then they lived in a little house in Banyu Urip, Surabaya. Since Eyang had entered Taxation Office, the economy of her family gradually improved. She often sent her mother money and made a little bussiness like built a simple bistro. Fortunalety, her mother could get better income than when she was a farmer. At the same year, Soewandi also had married and he moved to Sidoarjo. The fourth brother - Soetrisno - had been a photographer in a famous photo studio in Surabaya. Unfortunately, the third brother - Soedibyo - still did not have a job yet. Soewardi, finally, wanted to continue his study.

The next year, there was born a little girl named Endang Rahayu. Of course, Eyang and her husband were very excited. They nurtured her very well; Endang was a mood booster to her parents. When she was one years old, Pudjiyanto had to move outside Java because of a placement job. Eyang was so unhappy, but it had to be happened. Since that moment, Eyang seemed like a single parent.

Endang grew up to modest girl a year later, but again, unfortunately, Pudjiyanto came home because of bankruptcy and he was being depressed and insane. Eyang brought him to hospital and the doctor said that he had to move to lunatic asylum. Eyang was crying all the time. Yes, she had to nurtured Endang alone, and she hoped her husband being healed soon.

Endang was three years old and Eyang still was a single parent. She did not know that since she had entered in Taxation Office, there was someone who always watched out her; he was her boss - a young boss named Jitno. He said to Eyang that he was so sorry with Pudjiyanto’s condition. Eyang thanked him very much. Since that moment, Jitno showed his interest.

Again, who knows that later Eyang and Jitno had married? Eyang needed a friend to nurtured Endang, and she thought that Jitno was hers. Jitno was a great man; he was religious man - he is Moslem - and he was very calm. They were married - Eyang’s second marriage - in 1967 and still living in Banyu Urip, Surabaya. Since that marriage, Jitno always taught Eyang about Moslem because he rarely saw Eyang had a pray. He often said that Eyang had to pray, but she just ignored him. “So when will you start to pray to Allah? Do you wait until my death?” Jitno had ever asked to Eyang. Of course, Eyang was so regret when her husband asked it. However, I do not know what was happened, Eyang had not start to pray yet.

The next year, 1968, there was a second born little girl. Her name was Dyah Puspita Rini, pretty baby. Eyang and her husband was very excited, especially Eyang because she had two little girls. Endang also excited when Dyah had born. The next two year, again, there was a third born, but now there was a boy! A little boy who name was Andi Kurniawan and you can imagine how Eyang and Jitno were happy.

“Do you wait until my death?”

When Andi was seven years old, Eyang lost someone whom she loved very much - for the second moment. One morning, Jitno went to Jakarta for attending a meeting. Unfortunately, the car which he drove had an accident; a big truck smashed his car from behind. He died directly and the amazing thing is he was smiling! What a handsome face! Eyang was so sad and she could not imagine what was her fool to God because it happened twice.

Then, Eyang was remembered her husband’s word, “Do you wait until my death?” She started to have a pray. Sholat, reading Quran, and doing all Moslem’s duty. She nurtured Endang, Dyah, and Andi alone until they were adult and even she taught about Moslem seriously to her children. She always remember about Jitno’s word and she often regret that she did not want to have a pray when her husband had been alive. However, that is life and life is always have a choice.

Eyang became older and she was retired from Taxation Office when she was sixty years old, her children had been married and have some children. Retiring from her office did not mean that she had stopped to work; she built a cellular phone counter. While enjoying retired time, Eyang saved her retiring wages and some of her little bussiness income. What for? Eyang wanted to go to Hajj in Makkah.

In the first 2010, finally, Eyang went to Makkah to go Hajj alone with her own savings. I remember, before she depart to Makkah, she was crying all the time. She cried because she remembered her childhood when she was seemed like an Atheist girl and her family economy condition was very poor. Eyang also made Hajj to her husband and her mother whom had died. It must be very expensive price because she had to pay three persons in the same time. It amazed her, and sometimes she wondered that how can she got this lucky.  Eyang often repeats to remind me with her mother’s word that being submissive to mother is a key to be succeed.

(Fahmi Rachman Ibrahim, 2013)